Why don’t I hate you? Why can’t I hate you?
Please just let me hate you, for once. Please just let me wish you were gone and never would I have to see your face again. But no, in this stupid town, of course we can’t escape each other just like I can’t escape the thoughts of how my permanent longing still lingers for you. You’re a disgusting person and I can’t begin to describe how your life is going to shit right now because of the poor choices you make.
Good job, by the way.
Let me hate you. Let me get over you. Why is it that it’s somehow impossible for me to get the image of you out of my head? And no, it’s not the image of how disgusting you are right now, either. It’s the perfect picture I painted of you when we were in love and you were great and I was great and we were great together.
You know what? I’ve got something to say. You’re so full of yourself it makes me sick. It makes me feel sorry for you, actually, because I don’t even know how your ego got so big in the first place. Please stop, really. It makes me want to slap you, which, don’t get me wrong, I have thought about doing numerous times.
But I don’t, because I wouldn’t want to mess up that pretty face of yours, now would I?
Yeah, fuck you and how cute you are.
You’ve changed. You’ve changed so much I almost don’t even know who you are anymore. But I do though, because I know you. I know the real you, not this stupid front you put up to impress those lowlife trash bags you call friends. I know that wonderful person I met one year ago is still in that pitiful body of yours, whether you’ll admit it or not. I see you from across the room and I know that look in your eyes when you take a glance at me. That look that screams how badly you still want me and how you so sincerely desire my attention after all this time.
But you’ll never admit that, either.
It’s times like these when you walk over beside me and brush you arm against mine and I go a little mad inside because your touch still sends shivers down my spine.
And I like it.
But will I tell you? No, that’ll be my little secret.
I try to avoid your eyes but then I cave and meet them and when I do, my mind goes blank and my thoughts turn to dust. It’s like I want to punch you in the face but would feel bad about it after because you’re just so god damn adorable.
You’re an intoxication to me. Like a drug, I’m fully addicted. I try so fucking hard to let you go and erase every thought I’ve ever had about you but I can’t and I don’t want to because I want to remember you forever. When I see you I beg to speak to you and ask you how you’re doing but that seems like empty conversation and well, let’s face it, we both know I’m not into that sort of thing. I can’t even look at your smile anymore because it makes me weak. And I’m not weak, really.
Well, except when I’m around you.
I want to hate you. I want to hate you so bad but I can’t because I won’t let myself. I know all the bad things you do and all the stupid choices you make and do I care? No, but I wish I did. That would make things a whole lot easier.
You’re a sad excuse for a person, my dear. You’re aggressive and mean and rude and everything I hate. I want to scream at every image of you because no matter how hard I try, you fail to escape my thoughts. Just leave, please. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take seeing you and not running up you and telling you how much I absolutely want you back. Because I shouldn’t want you, and I know that. I shouldn’t want a lot of things, like you, because you’re the very worst of them.
I hate the very thought of you, and I hate how you’re so fine being on your own now. I hate the fact that you don’t need me anymore, because I want to be needed by you again. I want you to want me just like I want you.
You drive me insane.
You have me trapped behind these invisible walls of fear and you don’t even know it. You control me just by standing next to me and you have no idea. That’s just the worst part of it all, though. You have no idea what you do to me, the power you still have over me. You possess my entire being.
You’re fake and unkind and a complete waste of time and there is no reason for me to even be talking about this still. But I am, and I always will, because I can’t get over you. I can’t. I haven’t and I won’t. I still have feelings for you, and darling, I’m not going anywhere.
But, don’t tell anyone, okay?