Barricaded
I sometimes wonder how cruel some people can be. How you get this image in your mind of how incredible and perfect and wonderfully amazing this person is and you have these expectations that exceed anything you’ve ever dreamed of. And one day, out of nowhere, they all fall apart. Suddenly, with no time to prepare for it. Now granted, I’ve been through my fair share of shitty relationships and being let down is sort of my thing, I guess. But this…this was something I never expected. I sometimes wonder when it all started happening. Not in the beginning, that’s for sure. Nothing was ever strange or odd and nothing occurred that would’ve lead me to some corrupt accusation of him being unfaithful. We were great. That’s all. Simply great. We had fun together, spent lazy afternoons strolled along his couch watching scary movies and engaging in useless conversation that eventually lead straight into a make out session. Which, of course, I didn’t mind. I remember it like it was yesterday; curled up next to him with his arms tightly around me claiming how he’d never let me go. Riding in the car and slowly feeling his hand creep over to my hand and linking his fingers through mine like they belong there. Yeah, that. That’s what hurts the most. It’s these memories that sting like fire in my veins because those are the times when I felt as if nothing would tear us apart. Those are the moments that, late at night, will sneak into my mind and haunt me until sunrise. Keeping me up for hours until I eventually cave and crawl back into the numbness of sleep. But only when I’m weak enough to do so. Weak, that’s how I’ve been since he left me. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and crushed to the ground like a bullet flying straight into my soul. That stabbing feeling, that ache inside my chest where my heart is supposed to be, because, well, we all know it’s not there anymore. That ache is what makes me cringe every time I hear his name, or see his face, or think about the way his lips felt so soft against mine. I see him with his perfectly combed brown hair, and his crystal blue eyes, and his laugh…I better stop. I’m upset, and I think I will be for quite some time. You can’t get hurt like that by someone you cared so deeply about and expect to get over it in a matter of days. No, it doesn’t work like that. I guess that’s what I get for lowering my guard down for a boy who I trusted with my life. Trust. That’s my problem. I trust too easily, I suppose. Relationships can make you feel like the happiest person alive, or they can absolutely destroy you. Never making you feel whole again. This boy made me realize that things aren’t always what they seem.
I guess though, in life, nothing is.
